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PEOPLE WORRIED THAT TRUMP’S NEW SPACE FORCE COULD RESTART STAR WARS PROGRAM

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People are now worried that President Trump’s new Space Force could restart Reagan’s Star Wars Program.  “He hates aliens, that’s what it is.  He cannot stand the idea of aliens coming here and wants to harass them with a stop and frisk space station.”, said MSNBC producer Hakuna Matata. Some are worried this could lead to the United States building a Death Star.  “Yeah, really man.  The Military Industrial Complex would love to have a Space Station the Size of a Small Moon.  All that money.  Never any more money for the poor, or the disabled, or historically challenged people who cannot see working cause it conflicts with their culture of living without working.”, said someone on condition of anonymity due to 14 outstanding warrants.  However, Mad Dog Mattis disagrees.  “We have already heard reports that North Korea, China, Japan, Wakanda, Atlantis, and Russia have begun building Death Stars.  When are we going to realize that blowing up the Earth is the only way to ensure peace and prosperity?  We have 5,000 nukes right now and we’ve only used TWO.  JUST TWO!  When are we going to start bombing people and ensure that peace arises?  We can’t wait for comets to hit the Earth!  What are we Dinosaurs?”, said Mad Dog Mattis.  This just goes to prove that most neocons are COMPLETELY INSANE.

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Written by Joshua Sinistar

June 30, 2018 at 4:03 am

Posted in Uncategorized

NATO TROOPS RUN LIVE MANEUVERS WITH NEW F-35 Turkey MULTIROLL FIGHTER

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The Pentagon has announced that after years of abysmal failures that NATO has finally agreed to run live exercises of the new multiroll F-35 Turkey career advancement retirement plan and resume enhancer.  NATO troops are now in Europe putting the new F-35 through live exercises.  People are reporting that troops seem to be struggling with the new F-35.  “It seems very heavy.  They are struggling in pushing it.  Especially uphill and keeping it from rolling uncontrollably.”, said one woman.  Intelligence reports that this can only go on for as long as taxpayers put up with this.  NATO officers have been spotted near Poland drinking, partying and going to bars.  Meanwhile, enlisted troops are pushing the F-35 up hills and rolling them down, running into each other.  France is already planning to surrender.

Written by Joshua Sinistar

June 30, 2018 at 3:42 am

Posted in Uncategorized

RESEARCHERS TRYING TO REPLICATE POLL THAT FOUND 9 OUT OF 10 PEOPLE SAID THEY HAD NOT BEEN INVOLVED IN A POLL MAKE STARTLING DISCOVERIES

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In an attempt to verify a past poll that discovered that 9 out of 10 people said they had never taken a poll, researchers discovered new results.  “Yes, we found that again 9 out of 10 people said they had never taken a poll.  We also found that 8 out of 10 had no idea of what Aleppo was or where it was.  Also, 9 out of 10 didn’t like the last guy, and the last guy didn’t like them.  4 out of 10 agreed with just about anything.  4 or 5 were disagreeable.  The last guy didn’t go along with any of them.  We are now hoping to get more money to do these kinds of polls, because these results indicate that we researchers have obviously underestimated how stupid most people really are and we can’t just leave that easy money lying there.”, said head researcher Dr. E. Blackadder.

Written by Joshua Sinistar

June 30, 2018 at 3:27 am

Posted in Uncategorized

Malaysian Planes in the Ukraine fall mainly on Neocon Claims

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Sources at the United States Intelligence and Analysis Bureau otherwise known as CRISIS are now saying that Malaysian Flight MH-17 was shot down by Russian SAMs and not by Ukraine’s SAMs as the Russians claim.  Sam I. Amm said,”I do not see its Ukraine SAMs, I think its Russian SAMs, says Sam.”  “This is completely legitimate evidence of WMDs being hidden in Russia.”, said former UN Ambassador Bolton.  “We need to bomb Korea, invade Iran and possibly threaten Canada.”, he said.  This man is completely insane.

When asked of allegations of gassing babies, Ambassador Poppov of Russia said,”No, this story said there was a gassy baby.  That’s not the same thing at all.”  When asked if the story of a Russian man beating his wife with a poker was true, Poppov said,”No, this story clearly says that Russian man beats wife at poker.  This is a card game.”  When asked if President Putin was involved in the Russian Elections, Poppov said,”Of course he was involved, he was a candidate that won.”  John Bolton then claimed,”See.  The Russians are involved in elections.  We need sanctions and possible bombing.”  Again, THIS MAN IS COMPLETELY INSANE.

Written by Joshua Sinistar

May 25, 2018 at 12:12 am

Posted in Uncategorized

Pentagon Officials Meeting to discuss Missing Funds

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High level Pentagon Officials and their families and secretaries are now on their way to a Secret Meeting in a Las Vegas Hotel & Casino to discuss allegations that the $21 Trillion missing from the Pentagon Budget may be a sign of malfeasance.  They will all be issued kits with papers, pencils, pens, condoms, nylons, three packs of menthol cigarettes, motion lotion, and $5000 in unmarked bills.  They hope to discuss strategy, issue statements, spend time by the pool, and possibly ditch their wives and go to a local strip club or chicken ranch.

“This is unacceptable!”, said a member of the US Senate.  “These Generals must realize that due to the military being under the civilian authorities, they must get permission for this kind of thing.”, he said.  The Senator will now bring two dozen Senators and Congressmen to the meeting to oversee this get together and ask for explanations.  “I don’t care if we have to stay as long as they do!  We intend to get to the bottom of this!”, he said.

Written by Joshua Sinistar

May 24, 2018 at 11:49 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Invisible Planes may be engaging targets in Aleppo

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Anonymous sources have just announced that Invisible Planes may now be flying over Aleppo.  When asked most Libertarians didn’t know what Aleppo was, but said it might be an attempt to sabotage their party.  The claims say the planes may be the new F-35 Turkey cost over-run career inhibitor cluster FUBAR multi-role coffee maker and expresso machine.  The Pentagon was stunned.  “I didn’t know these thing could fly.”, said General X. Laxx.

“We cannot confirm or deny these planes actually exist.”, said people in Aleppo.  “Its amazing.  I saw nothing.  I heard nothing.  They just said they came and went.  There are no casualties on either side.  Its a miracle.”, said Sgt. Schultz.  These reports continue to come in.  Its like a damn book club that won’t stop.  Somebody needs to stop this Aleppo.

Written by Joshua Sinistar

May 24, 2018 at 11:30 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Farmers Warn of Great Vegetable Rebellion

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In a stunning revelation, farmers are warning the public of a possible threat to public safety: The Great Vegetable Rebellion.  Farmers say new outbreaks of salmonella poisoning is not the result of cheap foreign labor, but instead a bioterrorism attack by vegetables themselves.  Unnamed sources are releasing the possibility that vegetables are now retaliating against predation by mankind.  Dr. Smith from Aeolus 14 Umbra, a secret society of concerned citizens, said, “Oh, absolutely.  We have every reason to believe that vegetables are now rising up out of their plant beds and are fighting back against people who eat vegetables.  I myself love vegetables.  They are so delicious.  However, some bubble headed dimbulb has dropped the ball and not kept a close eye on them.  We believe this threat is exacerbated by the space program and the plans to launch more manned space probes to outer planets and even other solar systems.  We need to keep our feet on the ground and deal with our problems here on Earth.  Sweet, sweet Earth.”

Written by Joshua Sinistar

May 10, 2018 at 3:25 am

Posted in Uncategorized