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Archive for June 2018

PEOPLE WORRIED THAT TRUMP’S NEW SPACE FORCE COULD RESTART STAR WARS PROGRAM

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People are now worried that President Trump’s new Space Force could restart Reagan’s Star Wars Program.  “He hates aliens, that’s what it is.  He cannot stand the idea of aliens coming here and wants to harass them with a stop and frisk space station.”, said MSNBC producer Hakuna Matata. Some are worried this could lead to the United States building a Death Star.  “Yeah, really man.  The Military Industrial Complex would love to have a Space Station the Size of a Small Moon.  All that money.  Never any more money for the poor, or the disabled, or historically challenged people who cannot see working cause it conflicts with their culture of living without working.”, said someone on condition of anonymity due to 14 outstanding warrants.  However, Mad Dog Mattis disagrees.  “We have already heard reports that North Korea, China, Japan, Wakanda, Atlantis, and Russia have begun building Death Stars.  When are we going to realize that blowing up the Earth is the only way to ensure peace and prosperity?  We have 5,000 nukes right now and we’ve only used TWO.  JUST TWO!  When are we going to start bombing people and ensure that peace arises?  We can’t wait for comets to hit the Earth!  What are we Dinosaurs?”, said Mad Dog Mattis.  This just goes to prove that most neocons are COMPLETELY INSANE.

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Written by Joshua Sinistar

June 30, 2018 at 4:03 am

Posted in Uncategorized

NATO TROOPS RUN LIVE MANEUVERS WITH NEW F-35 Turkey MULTIROLL FIGHTER

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The Pentagon has announced that after years of abysmal failures that NATO has finally agreed to run live exercises of the new multiroll F-35 Turkey career advancement retirement plan and resume enhancer.  NATO troops are now in Europe putting the new F-35 through live exercises.  People are reporting that troops seem to be struggling with the new F-35.  “It seems very heavy.  They are struggling in pushing it.  Especially uphill and keeping it from rolling uncontrollably.”, said one woman.  Intelligence reports that this can only go on for as long as taxpayers put up with this.  NATO officers have been spotted near Poland drinking, partying and going to bars.  Meanwhile, enlisted troops are pushing the F-35 up hills and rolling them down, running into each other.  France is already planning to surrender.

Written by Joshua Sinistar

June 30, 2018 at 3:42 am

Posted in Uncategorized

RESEARCHERS TRYING TO REPLICATE POLL THAT FOUND 9 OUT OF 10 PEOPLE SAID THEY HAD NOT BEEN INVOLVED IN A POLL MAKE STARTLING DISCOVERIES

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In an attempt to verify a past poll that discovered that 9 out of 10 people said they had never taken a poll, researchers discovered new results.  “Yes, we found that again 9 out of 10 people said they had never taken a poll.  We also found that 8 out of 10 had no idea of what Aleppo was or where it was.  Also, 9 out of 10 didn’t like the last guy, and the last guy didn’t like them.  4 out of 10 agreed with just about anything.  4 or 5 were disagreeable.  The last guy didn’t go along with any of them.  We are now hoping to get more money to do these kinds of polls, because these results indicate that we researchers have obviously underestimated how stupid most people really are and we can’t just leave that easy money lying there.”, said head researcher Dr. E. Blackadder.

Written by Joshua Sinistar

June 30, 2018 at 3:27 am

Posted in Uncategorized