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Archive for May 2018

Malaysian Planes in the Ukraine fall mainly on Neocon Claims

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Sources at the United States Intelligence and Analysis Bureau otherwise known as CRISIS are now saying that Malaysian Flight MH-17 was shot down by Russian SAMs and not by Ukraine’s SAMs as the Russians claim.  Sam I. Amm said,”I do not see its Ukraine SAMs, I think its Russian SAMs, says Sam.”  “This is completely legitimate evidence of WMDs being hidden in Russia.”, said former UN Ambassador Bolton.  “We need to bomb Korea, invade Iran and possibly threaten Canada.”, he said.  This man is completely insane.

When asked of allegations of gassing babies, Ambassador Poppov of Russia said,”No, this story said there was a gassy baby.  That’s not the same thing at all.”  When asked if the story of a Russian man beating his wife with a poker was true, Poppov said,”No, this story clearly says that Russian man beats wife at poker.  This is a card game.”  When asked if President Putin was involved in the Russian Elections, Poppov said,”Of course he was involved, he was a candidate that won.”  John Bolton then claimed,”See.  The Russians are involved in elections.  We need sanctions and possible bombing.”  Again, THIS MAN IS COMPLETELY INSANE.

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Written by Joshua Sinistar

May 25, 2018 at 12:12 am

Posted in Uncategorized

Pentagon Officials Meeting to discuss Missing Funds

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High level Pentagon Officials and their families and secretaries are now on their way to a Secret Meeting in a Las Vegas Hotel & Casino to discuss allegations that the $21 Trillion missing from the Pentagon Budget may be a sign of malfeasance.  They will all be issued kits with papers, pencils, pens, condoms, nylons, three packs of menthol cigarettes, motion lotion, and $5000 in unmarked bills.  They hope to discuss strategy, issue statements, spend time by the pool, and possibly ditch their wives and go to a local strip club or chicken ranch.

“This is unacceptable!”, said a member of the US Senate.  “These Generals must realize that due to the military being under the civilian authorities, they must get permission for this kind of thing.”, he said.  The Senator will now bring two dozen Senators and Congressmen to the meeting to oversee this get together and ask for explanations.  “I don’t care if we have to stay as long as they do!  We intend to get to the bottom of this!”, he said.

Written by Joshua Sinistar

May 24, 2018 at 11:49 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Invisible Planes may be engaging targets in Aleppo

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Anonymous sources have just announced that Invisible Planes may now be flying over Aleppo.  When asked most Libertarians didn’t know what Aleppo was, but said it might be an attempt to sabotage their party.  The claims say the planes may be the new F-35 Turkey cost over-run career inhibitor cluster FUBAR multi-role coffee maker and expresso machine.  The Pentagon was stunned.  “I didn’t know these thing could fly.”, said General X. Laxx.

“We cannot confirm or deny these planes actually exist.”, said people in Aleppo.  “Its amazing.  I saw nothing.  I heard nothing.  They just said they came and went.  There are no casualties on either side.  Its a miracle.”, said Sgt. Schultz.  These reports continue to come in.  Its like a damn book club that won’t stop.  Somebody needs to stop this Aleppo.

Written by Joshua Sinistar

May 24, 2018 at 11:30 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Farmers Warn of Great Vegetable Rebellion

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In a stunning revelation, farmers are warning the public of a possible threat to public safety: The Great Vegetable Rebellion.  Farmers say new outbreaks of salmonella poisoning is not the result of cheap foreign labor, but instead a bioterrorism attack by vegetables themselves.  Unnamed sources are releasing the possibility that vegetables are now retaliating against predation by mankind.  Dr. Smith from Aeolus 14 Umbra, a secret society of concerned citizens, said, “Oh, absolutely.  We have every reason to believe that vegetables are now rising up out of their plant beds and are fighting back against people who eat vegetables.  I myself love vegetables.  They are so delicious.  However, some bubble headed dimbulb has dropped the ball and not kept a close eye on them.  We believe this threat is exacerbated by the space program and the plans to launch more manned space probes to outer planets and even other solar systems.  We need to keep our feet on the ground and deal with our problems here on Earth.  Sweet, sweet Earth.”

Written by Joshua Sinistar

May 10, 2018 at 3:25 am

Posted in Uncategorized

Space Researchers say NASA being Threatened by Aliens from Another Planet

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UFO organizations and Space Researchers are now claiming that NASA is covering up threatening messages from outer space from another planet.  They claim that Zoltar from the Planet Spectra is telling them that all these planets are thier’s, except for Europa.  General “Howling Bull” Hallenby said, “Europa?  Isn’t that claimed by the EU?  Well, that’s neither here nor there, those Europeans don’t spend enough on defense anyway.  We’ll probably have to deal with it – like always.  I told them we needed a Moonbase to get closer to these outer space menaces, but they spent it all on some fool Bush Plan.  Peace dividend – my ass.  We might have to wipe out the Moon now.  Nobody listens to the generals.”  The A-Team was unavailable.  Alpha Control says Moonbase Alpha is still on Elon Musk’s wish list.  Possible Political Candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger said, “What do I say?  Get your ass to Mars!”

Written by Joshua Sinistar

May 10, 2018 at 3:24 am

Posted in Uncategorized