The Healthier Alternative to The Onion

BREAKING NEWS: Cecil the Lion Accused Of Racism By Antelopes & Herbivores

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In a shocking twist to an already absurd story, vegans all over the world are now claiming that Cecil the Lion who was killed by a dentist was a racist who hated and oppressed Antelopes and other herbivores.  Leftists all over the world were stunned by these flagrant allegations.  Annie Leftowitz released a statement which said,”I don’t know what to believe anymore.  I have a stuffed animal lion at home and now I’m kind of afraid of it because I eat vegeatables.”  Annie Leftowitz is a 47 year old college professor who teaches Architectural Racism studies that examines the hatred black Africans have for housing and tries to find a way to blame White people for it.

The NAACP picked up the story when they heard an African was being called racist, but dropped it when they learned it didn’t involve blacks or Whites.  A biologist at the Bronx Zoo who wished to remain anonymous issued a statement that said that it was not unusual for carnivores to hunt and kill herbivores based on the outdated view of the Food Chain which was declared Heresy by the Tolerance Committee for Correct Thinking at the Spanish Inquisition Building at the University of Madrid Food Court.  The Tolerance Committee has since issued an edict saying that these old outdated scientific theories created by racists have no place in the open minded views based on Leftist Dogma, and added if this professor is a honkey he should be raped and killed and his money donated to the World Wildlife Fund for Animal Supremacy at Ape City.

Cecil the Lion’s horrible murder by an American Dentist has led to called for Bow and Arrow control in many cities suffering from out-of-control gun crime.  “There is no place for Bows and Arrows in a modern and tolerant society.”,said Rahm Emanuel the Mayor of Chicago.  “Only social justice warriors like Robin Hood and maybe the Green Arrow should have access to Bows, which are lethal weapons that can be misused. He claimed.  However, many critics have said that Bows and Arrows are hardly ever involved in crimes.  This led to charges of racism and the burning of several convenience stores when several black ministers pointed out the use of Bows and Arrows by the Duke Boys in that Confederate Car Show the Dukes of Hazzard.

The White House couldn’t resist sticking its nose into this, by saying this incident would never have happened if Cecil the Lion had Obamacare and access to better dentists.  Many have already concluded that Obama is either insane or just not even paying attention.  Mrs. Obama had to get involved also and wants to start an inner city program encouraging Lions to start eating carrots.  As a result many people are now seriously questioning the Affirmative Action policies that let people like this attend Ivy League Universities.

In a rare glimpse of humanity, Christians have come out of hiding to try to absolve Cecil the Lion of these baseless charges of racism.  As everyone should know Christians and Lions have had a long bloody history in the public arena going all the way back to the Roman Coliseum, and this is the latest in a long line of pseudo-altruistic expressions of unwanted forgiveness that probably explains why Christians are losing the Culture War and becoming more marginalised every day.


Written by Joshua Sinistar

July 31, 2015 at 10:02 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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