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GARLIC NEWS February 2015

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer may challenge Hillary  In a shocking new development, Buffy Summers the Original Vampire Slayer has announced that she is entering the race for President as a Democrat.  The GOP seemed the party everyone was expecting her to run in, however, the recent negotiations with Satanic forces to create ISIS to continue the Iraq War may have put Buffy into the Democratic camp.  Bloodsuckers on Wall Street and the Finance Industry were in shock and feared that having a Vampire Slayer as President could end their hold on the lifeblood of the nation.  Hillary aides have not commented, but feminists are hoping Xena the Warrior Princess could do something to stop Buffy.  However, Xena has already been embroiled in controversy with claims that her supposed victory over Caesar and Pompey on her show may have involved involved phony Roman Legions.

New North Korean Death Star may be immune to both X and Y Wing Fighters  In a stunning new claim by the Space Command, CIA and GI:Joe in space, the North Korean Death Star now under construction is believed to be completely immune to both X and Y Wing Fighters.  The Pentagon was stunned by these claims as well as tremendous losses of its funds due to betting on Seattle in the Super Bowl.  Both Generals and Admirals had no idea what we were talking about and only some of their secretaries had any idea what day it was.  The White House has claimed that they were expecting this development and have said repeatedly that this is the reason they are pursuing transgender pilots even though it lowers morale and freaks people out.  However, unnamed sources claim the new F-32 fighter is unable to operate in space, which would severely damage the program, as the F-32 has already proven useless in operations on Land Sea and Air.

Doctors discover Hepatitis Z  In a shocking development, doctors around the world have announced they have identified a new form of Hepatitis, Hepatitis Z.  Patients and insurers are puzzled as to how Hepatitis went straight to Z from C or D.  Some conspiracy websites are claiming that the new form of the disease is from the future and was brought to our time by a time traveller.  The BBC has roundly denied this claim and said it could easily have been carried by a companion or even a Dalek.  The Daleks have furiously denied the allegation and blamed the Sontarans.  The Sontarans have pointed their bloated fingers at the Cybermen however.  The Cybermen have blamed the failure of Windows 8 and say Windows 10 isn’t completely compatible with cyborgs.  Incidentally, Skynet has supposed already been built by military contractors but has failed to go online due to issues with Windows 8.

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Written by Joshua Sinistar

February 9, 2015 at 11:15 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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