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GARLIC NEWS June 2014

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IRAN ANNOUNCES NUCLEAR WEAPONS BUYBACK PROGRAM  In a surprise announcement by Iranian Government Officials, the Ayatollah of Iran released his plans for Nuclear Disarmament and Prevention of Proliferation by announcing the first Nuclear Weapons Buyback Program.  Under the program The Islamic Republic of Iran would purchase any illegal Nuclear Weapons with Oil Vouchers and Gold in the interests of furthering the goals of preventing Nuclear Proliferation.  Secretary of State John Kerry said that The Obama Administration approved of the gesture by the Iranians to prevent Nuclear Weapons from falling into the wrong hands and praised the Ayatollah for helping in the Nuclear Disarmament push of the Administration.  However, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel disagreed, stating, “What are you crazy?  You want to let the Iranians buy Nuclear Weapons?  What the Hell is wrong with you people?!”

PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE THEY ARE MARTIANS JOIN LGBTLQXYZ MOVEMENT  The LGBTLQXYZ Movement has announced that people who believe that they are Martians have joined them.  Some members in the movement were puzzled by this development, but leaders said they were pleased to welcome Martians to join their political cause.  Christian Groups seemed dismayed by this new development, with one pastor saying,”It seems the LGBTLQXYZ are now actively recruiting anyone that makes people uncomfortable.”  He also implied that this was purely a political move to increase the size of the LGBTLQXYZ Movement in order to increase their political power and influence in elections.  This may not be an unfounded fear as LGBTLQXYZ members admitted they were attempting to recruit flashers, dirty old men, Trekkies, fat women who wear bikinis and Jehovah’s Witnesses to their Organization.  However, the threat may be somewhat overblown, as it seems unlikely that Trekkies would join them due to their Prime Directive of Non-Interference.

WOMEN WHO TREAT SMALL DOGS LIKE CHILDREN SEEKING ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION  In a strange story out of New York City, doctors are dismayed by the new trend that women who treat small dogs like children are now seeking out artificial insemination to truly become the mothers of these small dogs.  Leaving Medical Ethics aside as big city doctors are known to do, some fertility clinics are worried that they might have to hire veterinarians to perform this procedure and these physicians might require new and expensive facilities.  Dr. Frankenstein of the Mayo clinic said,”I’m not sure about this at all.  We’re not talking about re-animating corpses here.  This seems like it may be unethical or even expensive, not just from a medical standpoint but from a legal standpoint.  My malpractice insurance is high enough already!”  However, the Obama Administration has released a preliminary statement saying that Obamacare will provide this new procedure with funding, because “species is merely a social construct.”

HYPOCHONDRIACS FILE CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT AGAINST PLACEBO MANUFACTURERS  In a groundbreaking Class-Action Lawsuit that may shake the foundations of Medicine and Reality, Hypochondriacs from around the country have filed claims against Placebo Manufacturers for false advertising and improper quality control measures.  The Hypochondriacs claim that Placebo Manufacturers like Pfizer, Astrazeneca and the WONKA Candy Company are dispensing inferior placebos to their patients which do not address the needs of their imagined illnesses.  The WONKA Candy Company was previously charged with dispensing generic placebos instead of brand name placebos by patients who believed they were suffering from Bubonic Plague.  Other hypochondriacs charge that some placebos use High Fructose Corn Syrup instead of sugar, which may not kill Alien Xenomorphs before they pop out of their chests.  The Head Lawyer for the lawsuit said,”Look, just because some of these people are crazy is no reason not to pursue a lawsuit in this case.  As a lawyer, I have a responsibility to my firm, the community, several ex-wives and a mistress to pursue any case involving companies with deep pockets.  Legal ethics shouldn’t get in the way of finding redress for clients and paying my expenses.”  The WONKA Candy Company has been in trouble before for employing illegal aliens who do not have the proper paperwork to work in this country and dress really strangely which is known to freak out some visitors to the WONKA Factory.

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Written by Joshua Sinistar

June 14, 2014 at 11:40 am

Posted in Uncategorized

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