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Archive for March 2013

GARLICNEWS March 2013

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Facebook Fakeout!  GARLICNEWS has just received information from anonymous sources on social media websites that the social networking website Facebook has been falsely reporting its stockholder information to the Stock Market.  These anonymous sources claim that up to 90% of the shareholders of Facebook stock are in fact fictional and do not exist!  If true, that would mean that millions of shares of Facebook stock may not actually exist and the social media website might actually have a stock value that is a mere fraction of what Stockbrokers and Stock Market officials believe it to have.  These anonymous sources also claim that the SEC is already aware of the information about fictitious stockholders, which came to their attention when they were alerted to many irregular, high-volume trades by individuals named Bugs Bunny, Howdy Doody and Your Name Here, which set off red flags when the home addresses of these traders could not be found, but is not releasing the information because Facebook‘s parent company Google has threatened SEC officials with releasing logs of Google searches by SEC officials if they inform the Stock Market and Stockbrokers of these serious violations.  These logs are believed to include up to 95% porn website content that was searched during regular business hours when the SEC officials were supposed to be working.

North Korean War Threats Escalate.  GARLICNEWS is following the events in North Korea, where the rogue nuclear state has already declared war on its Southern counterpart.  Up to date reports include new threats against South Korea and the United States, but perhaps most frightening are the North Korean Newscasts that are announcing that North Korea has embarked on the construction of a space station the size of a small moon that contains a superlaser weapons array capable of destroying an Earth-sized planet completely!  South Korean officials are downplaying this threat – pointing out that North Korea does not have sufficient rocket technology or a large enough space program to build such an enormous battle station.  However, an anonymous military source in the United States claims that Obama Administration officials are in a panic about these battle station construction plans by North Korea, and that advisers close to the President are now regretting their administration’s decision to turn down the White House Petition asking the United States to construct its own working Death Star from the plans released by Lucasfilms.  The anonymous source claims that cabinet-level secretaries and defense-related staff are now worried that there could be a Death Star Gap forming between the United States and North Korea which could lead to the destruction of the Earth, or even worse, the loss of their jobs and the associated benefits they receive from their positions.  However, the United States and the Obama Administration may have missed the opportunity to build the Death Star, since the Star Wars franchise was sold to the Walt Disney Corporation.  It is unclear whether the Disney Company would allow the United States Government to build the Death Star now, since it is possible that they themselves could embark on such a construction project themselves, although without the weaponry and for the purpose of being a new tourist attraction and themepark.

Republican Party Considers Joining Satan.  GARLICNEWS has learned that high-ranking leaders and officials of the GOP or Republican Party are contemplating taking the Devil’s offer for their souls in return for Satanic Power.  An anonymous staff member at GOP headquarters alerted our staff that after years of moralizing and following Godly Principles, the leadership of the Republican Party are now reconsidering joining Satan after the unmitigated and implausible loss of Mitt Romney against a severely weakened and unpopular Barack Hussein Obama.  The anonymous staff member says that it is beginning to dawn on GOP officials that Satanic Powers and enthralled minions of the Devil are bestowing a formidable advantage to the Democrats that long ago signed away their souls for the benefit of their careers and worldly power.  However, not everyone in the GOP are happy with the proposal of joining Satan.  Many conservatives are unhappy with the conditions of the contract, which include becoming more libertarian, giving up their principles, and turning their back on God.  The sticking point seems to be the libertarian part of the contract, however, since most Republican Party leaders and officials gave up their principles and their faith when they entered politics.  Time will tell if these allegations are true, as the Republican Party’s Candidate for President has rarely, if ever, been a Libertarian.

Hobo Conspiracy Theory.  GARLICNEWS has stumbled upon a new viral conspiracy theory that is going around the World Wide Web which claims that some or most of the hobos that are riding around the country by hiding in shipping containers and railcars are in fact an Alien Vanguard of Special Forces from a planet in an unnamed nearby solar system.  This planet is supposed to be entirely populated by Unhygienic Irresponsible Derelicts that somehow possess the technology for interstellar travel.  There does not seem to be any explanation for why these Aliens are visiting the Earth, but there does appear to be a consensus opinion by conspiracy theorists that the reason must somehow be extremely dangerous and potentially life-changing.  However, people who volunteer to assist the homeless and the poor are outraged by the assertion that hobos pose any threat to the Earth.  In fact, they claim that the only aliens that they have ever come across are people from Third World Countries that have come here for a better life by assuming a much more affluent and successful identity, including people from the Middle East who have a strong desire for careers in aviation and a compulsion to learn about unstable and potentially hazardous materials possibly for environmental reasons.  One very outspoken advocate for the derelict population claims that there is nothing to be worried about when it comes to homeless people who have traveled long distances to get to the United States of America, and offered the example of one very friendly and outgoing gentleman from an Islamic Country that has welcomed the American Way of Life and is now planning a very large and impressive BBQ event for the Fall by purchasing and acquiring all the propane tanks that he can get his hands on, which he claims proves that these people are just as American as Barack Hussein Obama.

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Written by Joshua Sinistar

March 31, 2013 at 1:55 am

Posted in Uncategorized