GARLIC NEWS January 2013
Crazy Cat Lady Takes Prozac / Changes Life!
A self-described crazy cat lady was prescribed Prozac by her therapist, and she says her life was completely changed by her medication. “I stopped hating myself, men and life in general, found a boyfriend, gave up feminism, and released 95 cats that I had hoarded over the years to kill the pain of loneliness!” she exclaimed. Her therapist cautioned that her results were not typical, but that she hoped medication could help free thousands of feline hostages that are currently believed to be held by crazy cat people.
9 out of 10 people say they have never participated in a poll
In a startling finding by unaffiliated researchers, 9 out of 10 people said they had never participated in a poll. Polling Companies were shocked by the findings and are scrambling to come up with a plausible explanation for the public and their sponsors that will calm fears that they are “pulling these numbers out of their ass”.
President Obama contemplating suicide say anonymous sources
Unnamed insiders at the White House have told media moguls and has-been celebrities that President Obama is having suicidal ideations due to an unresolved martyr complex. “After arguably the worst Presidency in modern history, President Obama feels that only his sudden and unexpected death can bring up his poll numbers and fulfill his dreams of becoming an important historic figure.” said an unnamed, cloaked advisor in a dark closet on the second floor of the White House. Others claim he is purposely pursuing insane and unpopular policies and themes in the hopes of being assassinated like his idols Lincoln and MLK. If true, these allegations would explain a great deal of current policy strategy.
Jewish Nazi Hunters claim to see Osama bin Laden in Argentina
In a serious blow to the Obama Administration, Jewish Nazi Hunters in Argentina claim to have sighted Osama bin Laden in a remote region rumored to be inhabited almost entirely by people fleeing American and Western Authorities, like Nazis, terrorists, mythical apemen and tax evaders. If there is any truth to these claims, the War on Terror may not be even close to over as the Obama Administration has claimed.
Gay Marriage Opponents find surprising source of Gay Marriage Funds
Gay Marriage Opponents and Traditional Family Activists have discovered that over 90 percent of the funds for Gay Marriage Initiatives come directly from full-time divorce attorneys. Through freedom of information act requests, it was revealed that the top donors of almost all the Gay Marriage Initiatives were practicing divorce lawyers. Some of the highest-paid and most prominent divorce lawyers have apparently given millions of dollars apiece to pass Gay Marriage across the country. This seems to suggest that Gay Marriage is not an attempt by gays and lesbians for acceptance of their lifestyle, but instead a lobbying initiative by divorce attorneys to pass laws that will allow them to access the personal estates and fortunes of rich homosexuals that they would otherwise not be able to get.