garlicnews

The Healthier Alternative to The Onion

Space Researchers say NASA being Threatened by Aliens from Another Planet

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UFO organizations and Space Researchers are now claiming that NASA is covering up threatening messages from outer space from another planet.  They claim that Zoltar from the Planet Spectra is telling them that all these planets are thier’s, except for Europa.  General “Howling Bull” Hallenby said, “Europa?  Isn’t that claimed by the EU?  Well, that’s neither here nor there, those Europeans don’t spend enough on defense anyway.  We’ll probably have to deal with it – like always.  I told them we needed a Moonbase to get closer to these outer space menaces, but they spent it all on some fool Bush Plan.  Peace dividend – my ass.  We might have to wipe out the Moon now.  Nobody listens to the generals.”  The A-Team was unavailable.  Alpha Control says Moonbase Alpha is still on Elon Musk’s wish list.  Possible Political Candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger said, “What do I say?  Get your ass to Mars!”

Written by Joshua Sinistar

May 10, 2018 at 3:24 am

Posted in Uncategorized

PEOPLE WORRIED THAT TRUMP’S NEW SPACE FORCE COULD RESTART STAR WARS PROGRAM

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People are now worried that President Trump’s new Space Force could restart Reagan’s Star Wars Program.  “He hates aliens, that’s what it is.  He cannot stand the idea of aliens coming here and wants to harass them with a stop and frisk space station.”, said MSNBC producer Hakuna Matata. Some are worried this could lead to the United States building a Death Star.  “Yeah, really man.  The Military Industrial Complex would love to have a Space Station the Size of a Small Moon.  All that money.  Never any more money for the poor, or the disabled, or historically challenged people who cannot see working cause it conflicts with their culture of living without working.”, said someone on condition of anonymity due to 14 outstanding warrants.  However, Mad Dog Mattis disagrees.  “We have already heard reports that North Korea, China, Japan, Wakanda, Atlantis, and Russia have begun building Death Stars.  When are we going to realize that blowing up the Earth is the only way to ensure peace and prosperity?  We have 5,000 nukes right now and we’ve only used TWO.  JUST TWO!  When are we going to start bombing people and ensure that peace arises?  We can’t wait for comets to hit the Earth!  What are we Dinosaurs?”, said Mad Dog Mattis.  This just goes to prove that most neocons are COMPLETELY INSANE.

Written by Joshua Sinistar

June 30, 2018 at 4:03 am

Posted in Uncategorized

NATO TROOPS RUN LIVE MANEUVERS WITH NEW F-35 Turkey MULTIROLL FIGHTER

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The Pentagon has announced that after years of abysmal failures that NATO has finally agreed to run live exercises of the new multiroll F-35 Turkey career advancement retirement plan and resume enhancer.  NATO troops are now in Europe putting the new F-35 through live exercises.  People are reporting that troops seem to be struggling with the new F-35.  “It seems very heavy.  They are struggling in pushing it.  Especially uphill and keeping it from rolling uncontrollably.”, said one woman.  Intelligence reports that this can only go on for as long as taxpayers put up with this.  NATO officers have been spotted near Poland drinking, partying and going to bars.  Meanwhile, enlisted troops are pushing the F-35 up hills and rolling them down, running into each other.  France is already planning to surrender.

Written by Joshua Sinistar

June 30, 2018 at 3:42 am

Posted in Uncategorized

RESEARCHERS TRYING TO REPLICATE POLL THAT FOUND 9 OUT OF 10 PEOPLE SAID THEY HAD NOT BEEN INVOLVED IN A POLL MAKE STARTLING DISCOVERIES

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In an attempt to verify a past poll that discovered that 9 out of 10 people said they had never taken a poll, researchers discovered new results.  “Yes, we found that again 9 out of 10 people said they had never taken a poll.  We also found that 8 out of 10 had no idea of what Aleppo was or where it was.  Also, 9 out of 10 didn’t like the last guy, and the last guy didn’t like them.  4 out of 10 agreed with just about anything.  4 or 5 were disagreeable.  The last guy didn’t go along with any of them.  We are now hoping to get more money to do these kinds of polls, because these results indicate that we researchers have obviously underestimated how stupid most people really are and we can’t just leave that easy money lying there.”, said head researcher Dr. E. Blackadder.

Written by Joshua Sinistar

June 30, 2018 at 3:27 am

Posted in Uncategorized

Malaysian Planes in the Ukraine fall mainly on Neocon Claims

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Sources at the United States Intelligence and Analysis Bureau otherwise known as CRISIS are now saying that Malaysian Flight MH-17 was shot down by Russian SAMs and not by Ukraine’s SAMs as the Russians claim.  Sam I. Amm said,”I do not see its Ukraine SAMs, I think its Russian SAMs, says Sam.”  “This is completely legitimate evidence of WMDs being hidden in Russia.”, said former UN Ambassador Bolton.  “We need to bomb Korea, invade Iran and possibly threaten Canada.”, he said.  This man is completely insane.

When asked of allegations of gassing babies, Ambassador Poppov of Russia said,”No, this story said there was a gassy baby.  That’s not the same thing at all.”  When asked if the story of a Russian man beating his wife with a poker was true, Poppov said,”No, this story clearly says that Russian man beats wife at poker.  This is a card game.”  When asked if President Putin was involved in the Russian Elections, Poppov said,”Of course he was involved, he was a candidate that won.”  John Bolton then claimed,”See.  The Russians are involved in elections.  We need sanctions and possible bombing.”  Again, THIS MAN IS COMPLETELY INSANE.

Written by Joshua Sinistar

May 25, 2018 at 12:12 am

Posted in Uncategorized

Pentagon Officials Meeting to discuss Missing Funds

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High level Pentagon Officials and their families and secretaries are now on their way to a Secret Meeting in a Las Vegas Hotel & Casino to discuss allegations that the $21 Trillion missing from the Pentagon Budget may be a sign of malfeasance.  They will all be issued kits with papers, pencils, pens, condoms, nylons, three packs of menthol cigarettes, motion lotion, and $5000 in unmarked bills.  They hope to discuss strategy, issue statements, spend time by the pool, and possibly ditch their wives and go to a local strip club or chicken ranch.

“This is unacceptable!”, said a member of the US Senate.  “These Generals must realize that due to the military being under the civilian authorities, they must get permission for this kind of thing.”, he said.  The Senator will now bring two dozen Senators and Congressmen to the meeting to oversee this get together and ask for explanations.  “I don’t care if we have to stay as long as they do!  We intend to get to the bottom of this!”, he said.

Written by Joshua Sinistar

May 24, 2018 at 11:49 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Invisible Planes may be engaging targets in Aleppo

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Anonymous sources have just announced that Invisible Planes may now be flying over Aleppo.  When asked most Libertarians didn’t know what Aleppo was, but said it might be an attempt to sabotage their party.  The claims say the planes may be the new F-35 Turkey cost over-run career inhibitor cluster FUBAR multi-role coffee maker and expresso machine.  The Pentagon was stunned.  “I didn’t know these thing could fly.”, said General X. Laxx.

“We cannot confirm or deny these planes actually exist.”, said people in Aleppo.  “Its amazing.  I saw nothing.  I heard nothing.  They just said they came and went.  There are no casualties on either side.  Its a miracle.”, said Sgt. Schultz.  These reports continue to come in.  Its like a damn book club that won’t stop.  Somebody needs to stop this Aleppo.

Written by Joshua Sinistar

May 24, 2018 at 11:30 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Farmers Warn of Great Vegetable Rebellion

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In a stunning revelation, farmers are warning the public of a possible threat to public safety: The Great Vegetable Rebellion.  Farmers say new outbreaks of salmonella poisoning is not the result of cheap foreign labor, but instead a bioterrorism attack by vegetables themselves.  Unnamed sources are releasing the possibility that vegetables are now retaliating against predation by mankind.  Dr. Smith from Aeolus 14 Umbra, a secret society of concerned citizens, said, “Oh, absolutely.  We have every reason to believe that vegetables are now rising up out of their plant beds and are fighting back against people who eat vegetables.  I myself love vegetables.  They are so delicious.  However, some bubble headed dimbulb has dropped the ball and not kept a close eye on them.  We believe this threat is exacerbated by the space program and the plans to launch more manned space probes to outer planets and even other solar systems.  We need to keep our feet on the ground and deal with our problems here on Earth.  Sweet, sweet Earth.”

Written by Joshua Sinistar

May 10, 2018 at 3:25 am

Posted in Uncategorized

BREAKING NEWS: Cecil the Lion Accused Of Racism By Antelopes & Herbivores

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In a shocking twist to an already absurd story, vegans all over the world are now claiming that Cecil the Lion who was killed by a dentist was a racist who hated and oppressed Antelopes and other herbivores.  Leftists all over the world were stunned by these flagrant allegations.  Annie Leftowitz released a statement which said,”I don’t know what to believe anymore.  I have a stuffed animal lion at home and now I’m kind of afraid of it because I eat vegeatables.”  Annie Leftowitz is a 47 year old college professor who teaches Architectural Racism studies that examines the hatred black Africans have for housing and tries to find a way to blame White people for it.

The NAACP picked up the story when they heard an African was being called racist, but dropped it when they learned it didn’t involve blacks or Whites.  A biologist at the Bronx Zoo who wished to remain anonymous issued a statement that said that it was not unusual for carnivores to hunt and kill herbivores based on the outdated view of the Food Chain which was declared Heresy by the Tolerance Committee for Correct Thinking at the Spanish Inquisition Building at the University of Madrid Food Court.  The Tolerance Committee has since issued an edict saying that these old outdated scientific theories created by racists have no place in the open minded views based on Leftist Dogma, and added if this professor is a honkey he should be raped and killed and his money donated to the World Wildlife Fund for Animal Supremacy at Ape City.

Cecil the Lion’s horrible murder by an American Dentist has led to called for Bow and Arrow control in many cities suffering from out-of-control gun crime.  “There is no place for Bows and Arrows in a modern and tolerant society.”,said Rahm Emanuel the Mayor of Chicago.  “Only social justice warriors like Robin Hood and maybe the Green Arrow should have access to Bows, which are lethal weapons that can be misused. He claimed.  However, many critics have said that Bows and Arrows are hardly ever involved in crimes.  This led to charges of racism and the burning of several convenience stores when several black ministers pointed out the use of Bows and Arrows by the Duke Boys in that Confederate Car Show the Dukes of Hazzard.

The White House couldn’t resist sticking its nose into this, by saying this incident would never have happened if Cecil the Lion had Obamacare and access to better dentists.  Many have already concluded that Obama is either insane or just not even paying attention.  Mrs. Obama had to get involved also and wants to start an inner city program encouraging Lions to start eating carrots.  As a result many people are now seriously questioning the Affirmative Action policies that let people like this attend Ivy League Universities.

In a rare glimpse of humanity, Christians have come out of hiding to try to absolve Cecil the Lion of these baseless charges of racism.  As everyone should know Christians and Lions have had a long bloody history in the public arena going all the way back to the Roman Coliseum, and this is the latest in a long line of pseudo-altruistic expressions of unwanted forgiveness that probably explains why Christians are losing the Culture War and becoming more marginalised every day.

Written by Joshua Sinistar

July 31, 2015 at 10:02 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

GARLIC NEWS February 2015

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer may challenge Hillary  In a shocking new development, Buffy Summers the Original Vampire Slayer has announced that she is entering the race for President as a Democrat.  The GOP seemed the party everyone was expecting her to run in, however, the recent negotiations with Satanic forces to create ISIS to continue the Iraq War may have put Buffy into the Democratic camp.  Bloodsuckers on Wall Street and the Finance Industry were in shock and feared that having a Vampire Slayer as President could end their hold on the lifeblood of the nation.  Hillary aides have not commented, but feminists are hoping Xena the Warrior Princess could do something to stop Buffy.  However, Xena has already been embroiled in controversy with claims that her supposed victory over Caesar and Pompey on her show may have involved involved phony Roman Legions.

New North Korean Death Star may be immune to both X and Y Wing Fighters  In a stunning new claim by the Space Command, CIA and GI:Joe in space, the North Korean Death Star now under construction is believed to be completely immune to both X and Y Wing Fighters.  The Pentagon was stunned by these claims as well as tremendous losses of its funds due to betting on Seattle in the Super Bowl.  Both Generals and Admirals had no idea what we were talking about and only some of their secretaries had any idea what day it was.  The White House has claimed that they were expecting this development and have said repeatedly that this is the reason they are pursuing transgender pilots even though it lowers morale and freaks people out.  However, unnamed sources claim the new F-32 fighter is unable to operate in space, which would severely damage the program, as the F-32 has already proven useless in operations on Land Sea and Air.

Doctors discover Hepatitis Z  In a shocking development, doctors around the world have announced they have identified a new form of Hepatitis, Hepatitis Z.  Patients and insurers are puzzled as to how Hepatitis went straight to Z from C or D.  Some conspiracy websites are claiming that the new form of the disease is from the future and was brought to our time by a time traveller.  The BBC has roundly denied this claim and said it could easily have been carried by a companion or even a Dalek.  The Daleks have furiously denied the allegation and blamed the Sontarans.  The Sontarans have pointed their bloated fingers at the Cybermen however.  The Cybermen have blamed the failure of Windows 8 and say Windows 10 isn’t completely compatible with cyborgs.  Incidentally, Skynet has supposed already been built by military contractors but has failed to go online due to issues with Windows 8.

Written by Joshua Sinistar

February 9, 2015 at 11:15 pm

Posted in Uncategorized