In a shocking twist to an already absurd story, vegans all over the world are now claiming that Cecil the Lion who was killed by a dentist was a racist who hated and oppressed Antelopes and other herbivores. Leftists all over the world were stunned by these flagrant allegations. Annie Leftowitz released a statement which said,”I don’t know what to believe anymore. I have a stuffed animal lion at home and now I’m kind of afraid of it because I eat vegeatables.” Annie Leftowitz is a 47 year old college professor who teaches Architectural Racism studies that examines the hatred black Africans have for housing and tries to find a way to blame White people for it.
The NAACP picked up the story when they heard an African was being called racist, but dropped it when they learned it didn’t involve blacks or Whites. A biologist at the Bronx Zoo who wished to remain anonymous issued a statement that said that it was not unusual for carnivores to hunt and kill herbivores based on the outdated view of the Food Chain which was declared Heresy by the Tolerance Committee for Correct Thinking at the Spanish Inquisition Building at the University of Madrid Food Court. The Tolerance Committee has since issued an edict saying that these old outdated scientific theories created by racists have no place in the open minded views based on Leftist Dogma, and added if this professor is a honkey he should be raped and killed and his money donated to the World Wildlife Fund for Animal Supremacy at Ape City.
Cecil the Lion’s horrible murder by an American Dentist has led to called for Bow and Arrow control in many cities suffering from out-of-control gun crime. “There is no place for Bows and Arrows in a modern and tolerant society.”,said Rahm Emanuel the Mayor of Chicago. “Only social justice warriors like Robin Hood and maybe the Green Arrow should have access to Bows, which are lethal weapons that can be misused. He claimed. However, many critics have said that Bows and Arrows are hardly ever involved in crimes. This led to charges of racism and the burning of several convenience stores when several black ministers pointed out the use of Bows and Arrows by the Duke Boys in that Confederate Car Show the Dukes of Hazzard.
The White House couldn’t resist sticking its nose into this, by saying this incident would never have happened if Cecil the Lion had Obamacare and access to better dentists. Many have already concluded that Obama is either insane or just not even paying attention. Mrs. Obama had to get involved also and wants to start an inner city program encouraging Lions to start eating carrots. As a result many people are now seriously questioning the Affirmative Action policies that let people like this attend Ivy League Universities.
In a rare glimpse of humanity, Christians have come out of hiding to try to absolve Cecil the Lion of these baseless charges of racism. As everyone should know Christians and Lions have had a long bloody history in the public arena going all the way back to the Roman Coliseum, and this is the latest in a long line of pseudo-altruistic expressions of unwanted forgiveness that probably explains why Christians are losing the Culture War and becoming more marginalised every day.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer may challenge Hillary In a shocking new development, Buffy Summers the Original Vampire Slayer has announced that she is entering the race for President as a Democrat. The GOP seemed the party everyone was expecting her to run in, however, the recent negotiations with Satanic forces to create ISIS to continue the Iraq War may have put Buffy into the Democratic camp. Bloodsuckers on Wall Street and the Finance Industry were in shock and feared that having a Vampire Slayer as President could end their hold on the lifeblood of the nation. Hillary aides have not commented, but feminists are hoping Xena the Warrior Princess could do something to stop Buffy. However, Xena has already been embroiled in controversy with claims that her supposed victory over Caesar and Pompey on her show may have involved involved phony Roman Legions.
New North Korean Death Star may be immune to both X and Y Wing Fighters In a stunning new claim by the Space Command, CIA and GI:Joe in space, the North Korean Death Star now under construction is believed to be completely immune to both X and Y Wing Fighters. The Pentagon was stunned by these claims as well as tremendous losses of its funds due to betting on Seattle in the Super Bowl. Both Generals and Admirals had no idea what we were talking about and only some of their secretaries had any idea what day it was. The White House has claimed that they were expecting this development and have said repeatedly that this is the reason they are pursuing transgender pilots even though it lowers morale and freaks people out. However, unnamed sources claim the new F-32 fighter is unable to operate in space, which would severely damage the program, as the F-32 has already proven useless in operations on Land Sea and Air.
Doctors discover Hepatitis Z In a shocking development, doctors around the world have announced they have identified a new form of Hepatitis, Hepatitis Z. Patients and insurers are puzzled as to how Hepatitis went straight to Z from C or D. Some conspiracy websites are claiming that the new form of the disease is from the future and was brought to our time by a time traveller. The BBC has roundly denied this claim and said it could easily have been carried by a companion or even a Dalek. The Daleks have furiously denied the allegation and blamed the Sontarans. The Sontarans have pointed their bloated fingers at the Cybermen however. The Cybermen have blamed the failure of Windows 8 and say Windows 10 isn’t completely compatible with cyborgs. Incidentally, Skynet has supposed already been built by military contractors but has failed to go online due to issues with Windows 8.
IRAN ANNOUNCES NUCLEAR WEAPONS BUYBACK PROGRAM In a surprise announcement by Iranian Government Officials, the Ayatollah of Iran released his plans for Nuclear Disarmament and Prevention of Proliferation by announcing the first Nuclear Weapons Buyback Program. Under the program The Islamic Republic of Iran would purchase any illegal Nuclear Weapons with Oil Vouchers and Gold in the interests of furthering the goals of preventing Nuclear Proliferation. Secretary of State John Kerry said that The Obama Administration approved of the gesture by the Iranians to prevent Nuclear Weapons from falling into the wrong hands and praised the Ayatollah for helping in the Nuclear Disarmament push of the Administration. However, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel disagreed, stating, “What are you crazy? You want to let the Iranians buy Nuclear Weapons? What the Hell is wrong with you people?!”
PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE THEY ARE MARTIANS JOIN LGBTLQXYZ MOVEMENT The LGBTLQXYZ Movement has announced that people who believe that they are Martians have joined them. Some members in the movement were puzzled by this development, but leaders said they were pleased to welcome Martians to join their political cause. Christian Groups seemed dismayed by this new development, with one pastor saying,”It seems the LGBTLQXYZ are now actively recruiting anyone that makes people uncomfortable.” He also implied that this was purely a political move to increase the size of the LGBTLQXYZ Movement in order to increase their political power and influence in elections. This may not be an unfounded fear as LGBTLQXYZ members admitted they were attempting to recruit flashers, dirty old men, Trekkies, fat women who wear bikinis and Jehovah’s Witnesses to their Organization. However, the threat may be somewhat overblown, as it seems unlikely that Trekkies would join them due to their Prime Directive of Non-Interference.
WOMEN WHO TREAT SMALL DOGS LIKE CHILDREN SEEKING ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION In a strange story out of New York City, doctors are dismayed by the new trend that women who treat small dogs like children are now seeking out artificial insemination to truly become the mothers of these small dogs. Leaving Medical Ethics aside as big city doctors are known to do, some fertility clinics are worried that they might have to hire veterinarians to perform this procedure and these physicians might require new and expensive facilities. Dr. Frankenstein of the Mayo clinic said,”I’m not sure about this at all. We’re not talking about re-animating corpses here. This seems like it may be unethical or even expensive, not just from a medical standpoint but from a legal standpoint. My malpractice insurance is high enough already!” However, the Obama Administration has released a preliminary statement saying that Obamacare will provide this new procedure with funding, because “species is merely a social construct.”
HYPOCHONDRIACS FILE CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT AGAINST PLACEBO MANUFACTURERS In a groundbreaking Class-Action Lawsuit that may shake the foundations of Medicine and Reality, Hypochondriacs from around the country have filed claims against Placebo Manufacturers for false advertising and improper quality control measures. The Hypochondriacs claim that Placebo Manufacturers like Pfizer, Astrazeneca and the WONKA Candy Company are dispensing inferior placebos to their patients which do not address the needs of their imagined illnesses. The WONKA Candy Company was previously charged with dispensing generic placebos instead of brand name placebos by patients who believed they were suffering from Bubonic Plague. Other hypochondriacs charge that some placebos use High Fructose Corn Syrup instead of sugar, which may not kill Alien Xenomorphs before they pop out of their chests. The Head Lawyer for the lawsuit said,”Look, just because some of these people are crazy is no reason not to pursue a lawsuit in this case. As a lawyer, I have a responsibility to my firm, the community, several ex-wives and a mistress to pursue any case involving companies with deep pockets. Legal ethics shouldn’t get in the way of finding redress for clients and paying my expenses.” The WONKA Candy Company has been in trouble before for employing illegal aliens who do not have the proper paperwork to work in this country and dress really strangely which is known to freak out some visitors to the WONKA Factory.
Facebook Fakeout! GARLICNEWS has just received information from anonymous sources on social media websites that the social networking website Facebook has been falsely reporting its stockholder information to the Stock Market. These anonymous sources claim that up to 90% of the shareholders of Facebook stock are in fact fictional and do not exist! If true, that would mean that millions of shares of Facebook stock may not actually exist and the social media website might actually have a stock value that is a mere fraction of what Stockbrokers and Stock Market officials believe it to have. These anonymous sources also claim that the SEC is already aware of the information about fictitious stockholders, which came to their attention when they were alerted to many irregular, high-volume trades by individuals named Bugs Bunny, Howdy Doody and Your Name Here, which set off red flags when the home addresses of these traders could not be found, but is not releasing the information because Facebook‘s parent company Google has threatened SEC officials with releasing logs of Google searches by SEC officials if they inform the Stock Market and Stockbrokers of these serious violations. These logs are believed to include up to 95% porn website content that was searched during regular business hours when the SEC officials were supposed to be working.
North Korean War Threats Escalate. GARLICNEWS is following the events in North Korea, where the rogue nuclear state has already declared war on its Southern counterpart. Up to date reports include new threats against South Korea and the United States, but perhaps most frightening are the North Korean Newscasts that are announcing that North Korea has embarked on the construction of a space station the size of a small moon that contains a superlaser weapons array capable of destroying an Earth-sized planet completely! South Korean officials are downplaying this threat – pointing out that North Korea does not have sufficient rocket technology or a large enough space program to build such an enormous battle station. However, an anonymous military source in the United States claims that Obama Administration officials are in a panic about these battle station construction plans by North Korea, and that advisers close to the President are now regretting their administration’s decision to turn down the White House Petition asking the United States to construct its own working Death Star from the plans released by Lucasfilms. The anonymous source claims that cabinet-level secretaries and defense-related staff are now worried that there could be a Death Star Gap forming between the United States and North Korea which could lead to the destruction of the Earth, or even worse, the loss of their jobs and the associated benefits they receive from their positions. However, the United States and the Obama Administration may have missed the opportunity to build the Death Star, since the Star Wars franchise was sold to the Walt Disney Corporation. It is unclear whether the Disney Company would allow the United States Government to build the Death Star now, since it is possible that they themselves could embark on such a construction project themselves, although without the weaponry and for the purpose of being a new tourist attraction and themepark.
Republican Party Considers Joining Satan. GARLICNEWS has learned that high-ranking leaders and officials of the GOP or Republican Party are contemplating taking the Devil’s offer for their souls in return for Satanic Power. An anonymous staff member at GOP headquarters alerted our staff that after years of moralizing and following Godly Principles, the leadership of the Republican Party are now reconsidering joining Satan after the unmitigated and implausible loss of Mitt Romney against a severely weakened and unpopular Barack Hussein Obama. The anonymous staff member says that it is beginning to dawn on GOP officials that Satanic Powers and enthralled minions of the Devil are bestowing a formidable advantage to the Democrats that long ago signed away their souls for the benefit of their careers and worldly power. However, not everyone in the GOP are happy with the proposal of joining Satan. Many conservatives are unhappy with the conditions of the contract, which include becoming more libertarian, giving up their principles, and turning their back on God. The sticking point seems to be the libertarian part of the contract, however, since most Republican Party leaders and officials gave up their principles and their faith when they entered politics. Time will tell if these allegations are true, as the Republican Party’s Candidate for President has rarely, if ever, been a Libertarian.
Hobo Conspiracy Theory. GARLICNEWS has stumbled upon a new viral conspiracy theory that is going around the World Wide Web which claims that some or most of the hobos that are riding around the country by hiding in shipping containers and railcars are in fact an Alien Vanguard of Special Forces from a planet in an unnamed nearby solar system. This planet is supposed to be entirely populated by Unhygienic Irresponsible Derelicts that somehow possess the technology for interstellar travel. There does not seem to be any explanation for why these Aliens are visiting the Earth, but there does appear to be a consensus opinion by conspiracy theorists that the reason must somehow be extremely dangerous and potentially life-changing. However, people who volunteer to assist the homeless and the poor are outraged by the assertion that hobos pose any threat to the Earth. In fact, they claim that the only aliens that they have ever come across are people from Third World Countries that have come here for a better life by assuming a much more affluent and successful identity, including people from the Middle East who have a strong desire for careers in aviation and a compulsion to learn about unstable and potentially hazardous materials possibly for environmental reasons. One very outspoken advocate for the derelict population claims that there is nothing to be worried about when it comes to homeless people who have traveled long distances to get to the United States of America, and offered the example of one very friendly and outgoing gentleman from an Islamic Country that has welcomed the American Way of Life and is now planning a very large and impressive BBQ event for the Fall by purchasing and acquiring all the propane tanks that he can get his hands on, which he claims proves that these people are just as American as Barack Hussein Obama.
Crazy Cat Lady Takes Prozac / Changes Life!
A self-described crazy cat lady was prescribed Prozac by her therapist, and she says her life was completely changed by her medication. “I stopped hating myself, men and life in general, found a boyfriend, gave up feminism, and released 95 cats that I had hoarded over the years to kill the pain of loneliness!” she exclaimed. Her therapist cautioned that her results were not typical, but that she hoped medication could help free thousands of feline hostages that are currently believed to be held by crazy cat people.
9 out of 10 people say they have never participated in a poll
In a startling finding by unaffiliated researchers, 9 out of 10 people said they had never participated in a poll. Polling Companies were shocked by the findings and are scrambling to come up with a plausible explanation for the public and their sponsors that will calm fears that they are “pulling these numbers out of their ass”.
President Obama contemplating suicide say anonymous sources
Unnamed insiders at the White House have told media moguls and has-been celebrities that President Obama is having suicidal ideations due to an unresolved martyr complex. “After arguably the worst Presidency in modern history, President Obama feels that only his sudden and unexpected death can bring up his poll numbers and fulfill his dreams of becoming an important historic figure.” said an unnamed, cloaked advisor in a dark closet on the second floor of the White House. Others claim he is purposely pursuing insane and unpopular policies and themes in the hopes of being assassinated like his idols Lincoln and MLK. If true, these allegations would explain a great deal of current policy strategy.
Jewish Nazi Hunters claim to see Osama bin Laden in Argentina
In a serious blow to the Obama Administration, Jewish Nazi Hunters in Argentina claim to have sighted Osama bin Laden in a remote region rumored to be inhabited almost entirely by people fleeing American and Western Authorities, like Nazis, terrorists, mythical apemen and tax evaders. If there is any truth to these claims, the War on Terror may not be even close to over as the Obama Administration has claimed.
Gay Marriage Opponents find surprising source of Gay Marriage Funds
Gay Marriage Opponents and Traditional Family Activists have discovered that over 90 percent of the funds for Gay Marriage Initiatives come directly from full-time divorce attorneys. Through freedom of information act requests, it was revealed that the top donors of almost all the Gay Marriage Initiatives were practicing divorce lawyers. Some of the highest-paid and most prominent divorce lawyers have apparently given millions of dollars apiece to pass Gay Marriage across the country. This seems to suggest that Gay Marriage is not an attempt by gays and lesbians for acceptance of their lifestyle, but instead a lobbying initiative by divorce attorneys to pass laws that will allow them to access the personal estates and fortunes of rich homosexuals that they would otherwise not be able to get.